I know it’s been a very long time since I have posted to this blog.  A lot has changed in my life.  And writing fell by the wayside.

I lost my dad in May 2017.  He was in the Philippines and his wife notified me.  I knew that he had heart problems and that he wasn’t supposed to fly but he did what made him happy and I can’t fault him for that.  I couldn’t make it to his funeral which bothered me.  His birthday is Thursday; he would have been 74.

My husband followed on September 14, 2017.  That’s a whole blog post in itself.  For another day.  I still talk to J.  This week has been particularly hard.  I’m having all types of anxiety.  Trying to do taxes works me up because I have to go through the paperwork and files downstairs and my heart starts aching.

Saturday night, I was just lying in bed crying.  I co-sleep with my 2 year old and at one point, I could tell my sobbing was bothering him so I told him, “I miss daddy” and he responded “I miss daddy too…” He reminded me the next morning too.  Heartwrenching.

Damian wanted to call his dad this morning at 6am.  So he did.  And then Tristan says “I miss daddy too.”  But he can’t call his daddy so he has to make do with watching the 3 YouTube videos that J recorded before he passed.  Thank gawd he has this.

My mom followed J to heaven on September 25, 2017.  Although she was sick for longer, I never expected to lose her so close to my husband.  Sometimes I just wish I could go and paint her nails for her and then I remember she’s gone.  Yesterday, I was talking to a co-worker who mentioned a friend had to move into long term care.  I told her I hoped she could get into a home in the rural areas because the ones in Regina are overcrowded and horrible.  And then I thought about mom and her last 3 weeks in that overcrowded hospital like warehouse room.  And I started crying.

I know I’m working through my grief slowly.  Some days are harder than others.  I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Today, I just wanted to go home, sit in a hot bath with some candles on and do nothing.  I couldn’t.  But it was tempting.

Namaste.

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